Hitting rock bottom

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can look up and see the way out, that unfortunately has been there all along, but you haven't been willing to really see it until now. I have been in a dark place lately. A deep, dark, crushing place. Mentally and emotionally I have been exhausted, terrified and depressed. I have tried so hard to not be. I hate it. It's the last place I want to be. Sometimes I am able to be happy, to not let things bother me and to find joy in things and truly be content. But those moments are so fleeting...it seems like I'd be ok for a few days and then the dark, crushing wave would crash down on me again and despite my efforts to swim out of it and to reach the shore, it would drag me down to it's deepest and darkest depths and crush the life out of me. Ever since we found out about our OCONUS duty station and the possibility of me not begin able to go, I have been a complete and utter disaster. I have been angry, bitter, hurt, lonely, sad, jealous, depressed. I feel so alone and so completely at a loss of where my life is going and how I am going to survive. I have been to the darkest parts of myself and it is terrifying to know that that exists in me. I cry all the time. And sometimes when I do, I literally sob. My whole body shakes and I cannot breathe. What is truly frightening, is I know I am shaking partially because I have this incredible desire to hurt something, someone, anything really. And it's all I can do to contain myself and just cry without any danger ensuing on myself, the things around me or others near by. I am so angry. So incredibly angry. I have never felt this kind of anger before. I'm not even sure what I am angry at really. It's a multitude of things...the fact that my husband is away, that we built this life and I'm living it alone, that our choice to join the military is leaving me behind for awhile, that I am in limbo with my job, with our move, with what I want to do and where I want to go, that I am alone, that I am so in love with a man that I might lose one day. So many things scare me. No, they terrify me. They terrify me so much that the pain and heartache are overwhelming...my whole body hurts, my very core, my soul. Have you ever emotionally ached so bad that your soul and your body felt the pain all over, and you just think to yourself, "there has to be someway to stop this pain, something to make it hurt less"? But there isn't anything really, well nothing tangible that is. I know there is Something that will help...but I have been running from it...why? I couldn't tell you...because I feel like a failure, maybe. Or maybe it's because for the last 8 years I have ultimately run to Greg and let him comfort me and be my all, when really it should have never, ever been him solely in that role. And last night and tonight, I think I literally hit rock bottom. Do I dare say that I lost my will to live and I just wanted to run far, far away until everything faded away and I no longer felt anything. And in the midst of that and my terrified, painful, tear filled fog, I opened up my Bible. I started reading the daily Psalm and Proverbs. They were good, but nothing profound jumped out at me. I turned Pandora to the "Casting Crowns" station I had created, and slowly and surely, with each song that played, I found myself breaking down, letting go of all the pain and the anger and the heartache and I was running into His arms and His beautiful promises for my life. I started realizing things that have been getting in my way for years. And the biggest one...well, it has been my husband. I have put my whole life into our relationship and into him and his love and his presence in my life. And now that he isn't here, my life is falling apart. How sad is that? I have had my husband as my idol, my lord, my everything. I wanted nothing more than to be his everything and he be my everything, and that has been my biggest downfall. Yes, I need to devote myself to my husband and our life, I need to love him with my whole heart, and leave all others behind and cleave to him. I need to serve him and love him as Christ commands. But having it where my whole world revolved around him and our life, it only hurt me in the long run and should have only come after my relationship with the Lord and what I need to do personally in my life to be whole and fulfilled. With Greg gone, I found myself lost, incomplete, half alive. No wonder I have been struggling! I should be putting the Lord in those places...He needs to be my All. The place where I find my joy, my strength, my passion for life and my purpose in where I am and who I am. And maybe this is one of the main reasons that the Lord is taking me on this journey as an Army wife and where I am right now in limbo and alone. He is stripping me bare. He is taking away my comforts, the things I run to, the things I get lost in. He is pulling them away from me and leaving me empty and bare, until I realize that I need Him and I can't ever expect to be ok without His presence in my life and letting Him be number one. I then downloaded "Faith Deployed" onto my Nook. It is a book of devotionals for military spouses. And let me tell you, reading it is continuing to heal me. Helped me to see where I need to place my focus and to draw my strength from. I can't do it on my own. God is my strength. And I can really "do all things through Christ who strengthens me." He won't leave me or forsake me. He understands my heart, knows my needs and can heal me at each point and pain that I encounter. He will guide me in all I do, and I know that by placing myself in His hands and His will, I will grow more than I could ever imagine, I will be whole, I will experience joy, I will find solace, I will find love and peace. I also know that by doing all this and surrendering to Him, He will allow all this to strengthen my marriage and draw my husband and myself closer and closer, despite the distance and miles that may separate us. His will is perfect and if I just stop stressing out and fighting things, I will be perfectly ok, and my life and my husband and I will be just where we need to be...happy, content and perfectly at peace by trusting in the Lord and His plan for our lives. Hitting rock bottom, and the process of getting there might have been painful and horrific...but without it, I am not sure I would have been able to once again peacefully rest in the Lord and to place my focus in the right direction. I am ready for whatever may come my way, and I know that with the Lord and my amazing husband in my life, that in the end, no matter what may come, all will be well. And that, well, that is all I need. That is enough. In my weakness He is strong, with His strength I will carry on and in all things I will trust in Him.