How Many Times?

Saying goodbye never gets any easier. I hate it. I push through and stay upbeat and positive, if for no other reason than to stay strong for him, since I know it is just as hard for him to be leaving all he knows and loves.

But the pain...the immense heartache of him walking away and getting on that plane once again...it is indescriblable unless you have experienced it first hand. It literally feels as though your heart has been ripped apart into two pieces and may never mend.

Both of us were trying so hard to be brave and stay strong for the other one. So many times there were tears in our eyes and just seeing the sadness and pain in the other one's face was horrible. We would make small talk and say sweet things and talk about what we would be doing and things to look forward to, and then at other times we would just hold each other and try to push away all the pain and the terrified feelings that are building up inside each of us.

This time hurt more than the last few...maybe because he just got home and was only here for 3 days, but really I think it was because all the other times we have said goodbye we had a date somewhere in the future where we knew we would inevitably see each other, and that hope was enough to lessen the pain of another goodbye. But this time, this time we don't have a set date, at least not yet. It could be a few weeks, it could be a few months, it could be a year. And that unknown, that is what tore us both apart. 

We said our final goodbye and hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed again and did our best to smile and be strong. Finally his plane took off and the last bit of him disappeared into the sky. I didn't want to, but I started crying before I even reached the car and try as I might I couldn't stop. The whole day I felt like an emotional wreck and like I might go crazy from all the pain and sadness. It hurt so bad. I just kept thinking to myself, "how many times can a person go through this without their heart just shutting off and shriveling up?" I just wanted to make it all go away and not feel anymore sadness.

Thankfully we got to talk throughout the day and his whole trip, which helped immensely. Being able to see his face and hear his voice and know that no matter how far apart we are, nothing is going to change, that helped ease the pain and helped give me hope for what lies ahead.

In the end, and with each goodbye, I am allowing myself to hurt and to feel sad as those feelings are legitimate; but I also work though it all and let it make me stronger and know that in the end we will be together again.

Each day is one day closer to finding out if I can join him, and if not, it is still one day closer to him coming home and us going to our next duty station together. We stay strong and we stay in touch and we fall in love everyday all over again by focusing on the little things and by loving each other every moment of every day, regardless of how far away we are!

So with each day, I carry on, I stay strong and I focus on each moment as it comes. Never losing sight of the mission that lies ahead of us both and the love that binds our hearts together...even if we are an ocean apart...that is nothing compared to what we have holding us together.