Hold On To Me

Our song. From the first time he held me and whispered these works in my ear and I cried on his chest...8 years later they still mean just as much...this song says it all about us, what we have been through, what we have and how strong our love is. Through the most beautiful times, the darkest moments and greatest distances, nothing can change what we have, it only makes us stronger. So blessed to call you mine! Thank you for loving me the way you do and for our wonderful life together! I couldn't ask for anything more or be any happier! Even if we are a whole world apart, what we have is enough and always will be. 


"I wanna wake up each morning
With you for the rest of my life
I wanna feel your heart beating
And just get lost in your eyes
You can tell me your secrets
You can let me feel your pain
You can show me your weakness
And never be ashamed

Hold on to me when your world's turnin' cold
When it feels like your life's spinnin' out of control
You're hopin', prayin', tryin' so hard to believe
Hold on to me when there's no middle ground
And every emotion is comin' unwound
And you don't know if you can hold on to your dreams
Baby you can hold on to me

I wanna lay down each evenin'
With you right here by my side
I wanna get drunk on your laughter
And wipe all the tears when you cry
You can scare me with your darkness
You can blind me with your light
Throw your worries out the window baby
On your wildest night

Hold on to me when your world's turnin' cold
When it feels like your life's spinnin' out of control
You're hopin', prayin', tryin' so hard to believe
Hold on to me when there's no middle ground
And every emotion is comin' unwound
And you don't know if you can hold on to your dreams
Baby you can hold on to me

Hold on to me when there's no middle ground
And every emotion is comin' unwound
And you don't know if you can hold on to your dreams
Baby you can hold on I said
Baby you can hold on I said
Baby you can hold on to me"

Pushing Through the Pain

I hate how somedays I just feel deflated and defeated. I wake up and just ache from missing my husband. Most nights I dream about him at least once and when I wake to find that he isn't there, a pain sets in that can't be filled with anything but his actual presence. The little things are hardest to get through...taking the dog out, making breakfast, doing chores...the little things we alway did together seem to mock me and my heartache. I just feel empty and unmotivated and have no energy. I hate it. I don't want to feel that way, and I try so hard to push through the pain and to feel happy. Somedays I can...those are usually the days I am busy and have a lot to do...the days that are harder are the quiet days at home where I have a long list of things to do, but being there without my husband has turned into a torture chamber. Then all the doubts and worry about if and when I will be joining him and the unknowns about my job and our finances and everything just start creeping up and drain the little bit of life I have left for that day. I do what I can to push through the pain and to keep my head up...there's not much else I can do. Thankfully the littlest things help...a phone call, a Skype session, a text...just being in contact with him and he making the time to communicate with me helps immensely. Each day is one day closer and in the end knowing our love is strong and we are there for each other helps to ease the pain. I will be ok. I will stay strong and I will make it through this.

Non-Issused, But So Needed!

Really makes you think about what they are going through and how much they give up for our freedom. Also helps you realize that you, as a spouse, significant other or even a parent, play a huge role in offering them stability and strength to know that you are not issued to them, but are there supporting them and loving them because you have chosen to do so and would not have it any other way and because they mean the whole world to you. You can't imagine not being there for them, but at the same time, you might not realize just how much it means to them that you are. Very proud of my husband and all the other military members and what they give up and do for us! And also very proud to be a military wife and a member of the silent ranks!

How Many Times?

Saying goodbye never gets any easier. I hate it. I push through and stay upbeat and positive, if for no other reason than to stay strong for him, since I know it is just as hard for him to be leaving all he knows and loves.

But the pain...the immense heartache of him walking away and getting on that plane once again...it is indescriblable unless you have experienced it first hand. It literally feels as though your heart has been ripped apart into two pieces and may never mend.

Both of us were trying so hard to be brave and stay strong for the other one. So many times there were tears in our eyes and just seeing the sadness and pain in the other one's face was horrible. We would make small talk and say sweet things and talk about what we would be doing and things to look forward to, and then at other times we would just hold each other and try to push away all the pain and the terrified feelings that are building up inside each of us.

This time hurt more than the last few...maybe because he just got home and was only here for 3 days, but really I think it was because all the other times we have said goodbye we had a date somewhere in the future where we knew we would inevitably see each other, and that hope was enough to lessen the pain of another goodbye. But this time, this time we don't have a set date, at least not yet. It could be a few weeks, it could be a few months, it could be a year. And that unknown, that is what tore us both apart. 

We said our final goodbye and hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed again and did our best to smile and be strong. Finally his plane took off and the last bit of him disappeared into the sky. I didn't want to, but I started crying before I even reached the car and try as I might I couldn't stop. The whole day I felt like an emotional wreck and like I might go crazy from all the pain and sadness. It hurt so bad. I just kept thinking to myself, "how many times can a person go through this without their heart just shutting off and shriveling up?" I just wanted to make it all go away and not feel anymore sadness.

Thankfully we got to talk throughout the day and his whole trip, which helped immensely. Being able to see his face and hear his voice and know that no matter how far apart we are, nothing is going to change, that helped ease the pain and helped give me hope for what lies ahead.

In the end, and with each goodbye, I am allowing myself to hurt and to feel sad as those feelings are legitimate; but I also work though it all and let it make me stronger and know that in the end we will be together again.

Each day is one day closer to finding out if I can join him, and if not, it is still one day closer to him coming home and us going to our next duty station together. We stay strong and we stay in touch and we fall in love everyday all over again by focusing on the little things and by loving each other every moment of every day, regardless of how far away we are!

So with each day, I carry on, I stay strong and I focus on each moment as it comes. Never losing sight of the mission that lies ahead of us both and the love that binds our hearts together...even if we are an ocean apart...that is nothing compared to what we have holding us together.

Very true